OLD PEOPLE DON'T DO THAT ANYMORE

In spite of the reality of many of the baby-boom generation now into their 60's, our society continues to perpetuate negative attitudes about older people's need and experience of intimacy. Some of those stereotypes that we've been exposed to since our youth unfortunately still color our ideas about the limitation of older people. I clearly remember a conversation that I and two other 13-year-old girls had one night, 60-plus years ago. We were determined to stay up until dawn at a slumber party. As girls of that age often do, our conversations drifted to the subject of sex. One of my friends said emphatically, "I don't like to think of my mom and dad in bed together and ick--touching each other." Now I'm in my mid-70's, many years older and considerably wiser. Yet I know that these generalizations persist. My conversations with couples I've interviewed offer a variety of different experiences and opinions on the subject of intimacy.

When I talked with Sam, age 66, and his wife of almost five years, he shared this comment. "Sexuality is a part of mature life. Some young people fear it all ends at age 35. They're wrong. Every aspect of intimacy is important -- hand holding, cuddling, as well as actual sex. Intimacy is an important dimension of life and we joyfully partake in it."

Bob, and his partner Meryl, both in their 70's added their comments. She freely talked about their physical relationship. "People our age certainly have sexual relations in spite of the myth that old people don't do that anymore." And then there's Sharon, who is 72 and her partner Alex, who just turned 79. Each continue to live in their separate homes but they share a good deal of time together. Alex told me that "we often spend nights at each other's homes. We have visitor's rights and visitor's privileges." Sharon added, "As younger people, we each believed in waiting until marriage for sex. We were both faithful to our partners and we believe that was right. We now believe that the commitment we have to this relationship, without marriage, allows for sexual intimacy."

Robert and Laura have decided not to marry yet their commitment is "till death do us part." He shared these words. "we may not have sex the same way as when we were younger, but we have good sex, satisfying and enjoyable, with tender intimacy, and we enjoy each other's body a great deal. We have mutual oral sex, which gives me great pleasure, and Laura tells me that it's pleasurable for her as well. We sleep nude, and we cuddle when we go to bed and when we wake up in the early morning."

Love, intimacy, sex and meaningful relationships are not the exclusive domain of the young. I've searched but haven't found any studies or statistics on the number of older people taking on a new partner in their later years. Yet recently, I've been encountering such relationships everywhere. And yes, we older people have gray hair, expanded waistlines, sagging upper arms, and balding heads. Yet we still need to be touched and to have someone to touch. We crave intimacy and closeness because we're human no matter what our age or stage of life.

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